I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
