i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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