meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
