Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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