so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
