I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The uberlube is also flammable
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
