Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My dick has a subreddit
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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