I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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