made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Michael Bay diarrhea
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
