best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
