farters have to be the big spoon...
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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