Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
