He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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