I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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