I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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