Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Someone shit on the floor
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
