I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
