I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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