allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
