hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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