i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
