I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
