I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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