He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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