the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
