he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
