I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
