I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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