I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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