Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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