Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
