Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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