if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
