we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
