I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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