There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Welp...herpes.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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