when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
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