I'm so fucking centered right now
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
