I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
