At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
