the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
