You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
