he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
