I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I would ride that face into the sunset
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
