I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Damn victory sex feels great
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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