I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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