You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
