hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
