is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Randomize
