never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
