dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
